Paint Me a Picture
by idkate
Summary: Extremly new to the site, i couldnt even find which category to put it in! Its a romance story of a straight coupling of Good Charlotte's Benji Madden and an original female charactor. I dont own anyoneanything. thanks


"Paint me a picture Janey. xxx" Someone wrote in my high school year book. I never found out who wrote that. 7 years later and I know I'd be able to find an answer. Why paint? Why create? When there are things so beautiful, so tormented, so unique waiting out there to be found. I never went to college that fall; I lost interest with trying to create. I wanted to study people who could. I walked the streets all day, took trains all around the city, bummed a cig from people sat waiting for their stop. I walked aimlessly through restaurants, markets, and rows of theatres and clubs with a camera and took pictures of the talented and gifted. Sent them away in brown first class envelopes trying to see where they could leave me. Returning to my flat, I found polite apologies and sometimes the odd harsh rejection. Sick of my responses, I returned to the city, day by day, taking pictures from the side of the stage. I finally took one picture that I thought was the best of my career. Now though it seems a bit fake and hopeless. But fuck it, at least it got me somewhere.

"So where did you say you studied photography, Miss uhm…uh…Ansell?"

"Chelsea School of Art and Design." I said, calmly and normally as I took a sip of my coffee. Don't look down at me, kay? So what, I lied about a diploma I didn't have. I was desperate. I was running out of fags and needed some cash fast.

He looked up from the folder that I slided across the table just moments before. "I like your pictures…Better than my old photographer's for sure. He could never get a picture right. It doesn't matter how many times you say 'Oi, just zoom in and take a snap of the lead singer leaning over' he still couldn't do it." His voice raised as he spoke, making sure I could keep to the same standard as my photos, perhaps?

I let out a nervous little laugh. Not trying to sound big headed, but not trying to sound desperate. "Do you think any of those are usable? The first three are from their last night's show at the Astoria….' I trailed off as I realised he wasn't paying much attention. Stupid asshole. If I'm to spend my last couple of quid on a over priced coffee just to be turned down I would not be happy.

"Yeah. Yes. I think we can." He nodded. "I didn't have time to send someone down to review Taking Back Monday's show last night-"

"It's Taking Back _Sunday…_." I corrected him suddenly. After the words flew out I realised I'd probably over stepped the mark.

"Yeah, whatever Janet." I didn't dare correct him of my name after that. "I'll give you £120 for them." He said bluntly, fixing his coat and pulling out a filled out envelope. He started to put his notes out on the table and couting them out loud as he went. I didn't think it would be wise to ask him for more money for them, seeing as he wasn't in the mood to be mucked around. I nodded and smiled in agreement. He slid the money across the table. People on the next table looked cautiously over as an 50 something with a dodgy moustache gave a small 17 year old this money in £20 notes. I thanked him for coming, and he left the café with my folder of photos in his hand.

That same guy called me again after that. And I was officially a photographer for Rock Sound Magazine for the next 3-4 years.

Time passed and there was only so much you could do to make a picture of a band playing on a stage fresh and new. Another magazine approached me to help them do some shoots for bands, and I took the offer right away. The thing was – this job was around the world. LA, to be exact. I packed a bag, and said good bye to shitty old Britain for now.

LA turned out to be more quiet than London, to my disbelief. Although everyone wanted to know other people's business. The people who felt it the most were the bands and artists I worked for. I found it funny trying to concentrate on taking a good shot with the right lenses and right lighting when you have 20 screaming girls outside holding up banners proclaiming their love. I never got annoyed by it though, when I was that old, I used to be exactly the same way.

The band who always got distracted by this was Good Charlotte. Such a lovely group of guys but when someone wants to talk to them they can't help but sticking their faces up to the glass to wave and smile graciously. I did so many shoots with them. The group of pictures where they are over looking DC at night was done by me. I remember that night so clearly. They all just wanted sleep, but I kept them up till 5am taking photos. I got pretty tight with those guys from that day onwards. I did so many shoots with them I lost count.

When taking pictures of them individually, I always knew what they'd like. Billy always wanted imput – wanted to know how I could change the colours and lights. Paul just wanted to talk all the way through when I wanted to take pictures. I'd ask to take a serious picture and he'd start talking about hot dogs or his favourite comics. Chris always wanted his hood up, and I wouldn't let him…his shoots were always fun. He lit up a room and knew how to make everybody laugh. And Joel. So shy but outgoing…it was hard trying to figure him out. But if he couldn't give you an answer, his brother could.

I always had a soft spot for Benji. Everytime I took his photo I remembered how he didn't like the flash going off in his eyes, so I'd take it off. I remembered how he didn't usually like his hair and ask me to not focuss on it. I remembered how he played with his lip rings, and what hand he wrote with. Not all my opinions on him were professional. But I couldn't help myself get drawn in by everything he said or did. I could of took pictures of him all day and all night. Sometimes I took copies of the photos I took of him and taped them to the walls of my empty apartment. When I smiled or laughed at him, he made me feel like the 15 year old girls standing outside, just wanting a glipse of their hero.

But the best pictures I ever took of him, were when he thought no one was watching. Where he searches the room, the street, the city quietly and carefully with his eyes. Wanting to get out. Wanting to be free. Thinking how, he can tour the world, he can see different places and different people, but he will never explore. Being followed by innocent girls, who don't deserve the not so innocent replies he'd like to give. The flashes of cameras that blind his eyes when you just want to get through. Wanting to drift away somehow, in anyway possible. Sleep wasn't an even possible solution to that. When he is this big, and he has people watching his every move, sleep was rare and tainted. And that's where his problems started and ended, wanting to drift away.

During one of those shoots, they all went off to find lunch and continue in the afternoon. As they got in their big trucks with the expensive rims and the blacked out windows, I sighed in relief that they had gone, and taken my little immature crush with them. I went outside and sat on the stairs. I pulled a Zippo lighter out of my pocket; a gift from Benji and Joel last year, and out of my pocket I squeezed out my packet of Marbro Lights. I'd gone up in the world…no more cheap ass Mayfair for me. I smiled to myself as I realised what a fuck up I was and how I wasn't now. Well, a bit less of one anyway.

A black truck pulled up in front of me. The distinctive hat made me realise once away that it was Benj. What the hell was he doing back here? He jumped out of the door and hopped onto the concrete. It was kinda a big gap to jump. Kinda because of the big rims he put on there, but more to do with his not so tall height. It was was a comfy height though. You didn't have to stretch so hard to hug him. And if he was as skinny as Billy I wouldn't have felt so protected and safe when he squeezed me tight. I shook my head trying to stop my train of thought. He walked towards me, swinging his keys on his fingers, and looked down.

I craned my neck up to meet his face. "What you doing back so soon. I said 2:30." I said bluntly. I sounded a lot more serious than I'd like to have sounded. Anything I blurt out to anyone I quickly regret saying.

"I know…but I was going to go to a friends house, but he had his girl over…and I hate looking at other couples eating each others faces, so I came here to hang out with you." He said, turning to sit next to me on the step, and fixing his hat to block out the sun.

"Oh…well ok that's cool." I said, before taking a long drag and flicking the ash at my feet.

"You should really stop that y'know."

"Stop what?"

"Smoking." Benji answered quickly and pointing to my half smoked fag sat comfortably between my index and middle finger. He seems kind of surprised that I didn't mean what he was referring too the first time.

I chucked slightly under my breath. "No fear. These things are good for stresses don't you know." I said. Eugh. I sounded so British.

"Oh…well…that's a shame." He said quietly and stared at my fag for so long I felt extremely weirded out. "Can I just…like…just quickly…." He stumbled. He lowered his voice as he spoke. He always did that when he was talking about anything even the tiniest bit risky. It always made me smile when he did that. Like his brother was listening in on his conversation or something.

I indicated to my pack of cigarettes chilling out on the step and he nodded. I gave him the pack and my favourite lighter and watched him take one out and light it. Inhale and exhale carefully…like his body pushed everything out. He sighed heavily, and found myself liking how he relaxed.

"Wow. I haven't done this since like…high school." He chuckled, looking down at his new possession.

"I've done this _since _high school!" I laughed. Nothing like humour to break tension.

He laughed back. "I remember you telling me that. How you used to get trains all over London and avoid over priced coffee." He always had the ability to store anything anyone ever told him. You could never call him forgetfull. And he always asked questions, like a inquisitive child. I loved how he had to know everything. I don't think it was a quality I could ever hate about him.

"Yeah that's right! I used to sneak out back taking photos of you so I could send them away and get some god damn money!" I nodded.

"So if it wasn't for us…you wouldn't be here I suppose." He smiled. "Makes me feel good…knowing that I'm in some way responsible for having you here." He smiled warmly. Ahh. Please stop that. It was a b e a u t i f u l smile.

"Yeah that's true." I said plainly, trying to resist all temptation to reveal emotions I know I shouldn't. He sat in silence, smoking for a couple of moments.

He broke it off though, when he raised his head and spoke excitedly. "Are you going to the Warped Tour reunion thing tomorrow? I would of thought AP would send you up there to get good pictures." He said. Before I had the time to reply he said. "Well, it says I can take someone with me, so if they aren't sending you, I can take you with me, it will be fun." He offered. He rushed his words and made gestures with his hands when he was excited about something. I loved it when he rambled. I could listen to it all day. He ran it back through in his head and his eyes faded a bit and he let out a little sigh.

"Well yeah that's good, but what's the matter?" I said. Warped Tour could wait. Why did those beautiful eyes fade and look from side to side nervously.

"Oh. It's nothing. Just gets a bit…annoying at those things."

"Annoying how?"

"Because….forget it. It's stupid. Doesn't matter."

"But it does matter. Tell me." I said, looking up seriously into those deep eyes.

"Hmm." He swallowed hard. "How can I put this..." He put his hat down over his eyes and looked at the floor. "Have you ever…um…wanted to…" He paused, and I nodded in recognition. "Wanted to run away?"

I paused. I knew exactly how he felt. Why do you think I'm here in fucking America? But should I tell him these things? I'd only get even more emotionally attached to him, and surely once that happens I'm a goner.

I couldn't hold it. Something compelled me to let him in. "Yes. I have. I'm here in LA aren't I? Just being away from everything…at least being numb to everything anyway…can be the best feeling in the world. To know that no one could stop you if they tried. Just to be alone. Or with just one other person, y'know?" I finished and realised everything I just blurted out. What. A. Fucking. Idiot.

He looked at me for a couple of seconds longer and hung his head. "Yeah. You got it." He said, stubbing out his cigarette sharply and forcefully on the step. "But I don't see any chance in that happening anytime soon." He tried some nervous laughter to shake the importance or the conversation off both our shoulders.

It didn't work though. I could feel my throat closing up slighty, and swallowing hard. "Well…don't say that. It could..." Ask for some time off…go travel and stuff." I suggested. I carefully plotted my words, but as they came out they seemed stupid and lame.

"We've got a busy schedule right now. I probably wont see my own bed for another year yet. I can't walk away from all this. Its too important. I do love what I do." He shook his head. His loyalty and commitment to GC had always been huge. He doubted getting in a relationship for a really long time. I felt sorry for him because of that. I thought quietly of all the things he may give up… He'd make a great husband. A great father. He probably wasn't up for all that family shit, but it made me sad that it may be a couple of years, even a decade before he can experience those things. But his decision was admirable.

"Hmm." I let out, nodding. There wasn't much else I could say.

There was a long silence before he pulled up his hoodie sleeve to look at his watch. "2.25" He said suddenly. "The guys should be back any time soon." He said, pulling himself off the step, and then turning and extending his hand to help me up. I stared at his hand for way longer than I should have and then let my hand rest in the palm of his before he pulled me up.

I was about an inch away from his face. Intricate patterns of the eyeliner were clear and hypnotising. I took a step back and giggled slightly. He didn't seem to think anything of it and just smiled and followed me back into the building. When we got back up stairs, I walked over to my cameras and equipment and fiddling with what ever I could to distract myself. I could feel him stood behind me as I knelt on the floor, hair in my face trying to look busy. I heard him take a long breath and was about to say something before Joel waltzed in with his shades on, swinging his car keys in the same way Benji did.

"Waddup." He said cooly, walked over to me and Benji. I twisted round and pulled my hair back so I could see again.

I sighed in relief and let my shoulders relax. "Heyyyy" I said, fiddling with my hair. Benji watched me as I say it, as if I was an alien or something. It freaked me out a little, but I turned back to my work so Benji could talk to his brother and not look really bemused at me.

"Hey." Benji replied quietly from behind.

"How long were you here before I came in then?" Joel queried.

"Ah, not long really. Just a second or two." Lied Benji. I looked puzzled at what I was doing. Why couldn't he said he was here with me? It wasn't like it was a big deal... Oh well, I wasn't going to turn around and put Joel strait. I'd kinda lost the whole point of why Benji lied in the first place.

Joel nodded and looked around the room at the walls and the equipment lying around the room. His head suddenly jerked upwards and fixed on Benji with a piercing stare. "You've been smoking." He said bluntly. Benji looked up quickly, really not expecting Joel's comment.

Benji released some nervous laughter and shoved his hands in his pockets. "No!" He chuckled. "What makes you think that?" He asked cautiously. Hearing this from behind I put down my camera to listen more intently. I wanted to say something to defend Benji, but I didn't want to get between either of them. I just sat on the floor with my back to the brothers thinking…what the fuck…

"Your breath smells like cigarettes." Joel said sternly. You couldn't help but think it was like a father questioning his son. Joel shrugged and fiddled with his keys. "Just thought it was a fucking stupid thing of you to do…" he muttered. I turned round and looked up at Benji, and I saw his eyes flicker a little. I couldn't tell weather this was in anger or sadness of Joel's last comment. But whatever he felt it obviously went deep.

"Whatever dude." Benji muttered back. There was no point in trying to denie it to Joel. It would just cause an argument. I stood up and turned to Joel.

"Sorry Joel, my fault, I offered him a drag as he came back in." I said defensively. Joel stared for a moment at me and then back at Benji.

"Oh…right." Joel nodded cautiously, still watching Benji carefully. Benji smoking wasn't a thing either of us expected him to do, but it would be hypocritical of me to say Benji was wrong. I just wanted to drop the issue, as I was sure Joel would give Benji a telling off when they left later that afternoon. After we stood in silence for a moment longer, Billy, Joel and Chris walked in with huge milkshakes humming theme tune to The OC. This was perfect timing for me and Benji, and we paced quickly over to them to start talking and trying to laugh off what had just happened.

Joel looked suspiciously over at Benji for the rest of the shoot. Benji didn't talk much either. There wasn't much I could do to make him happy again. I flashed him a smile and a thumbs up from time to time but he looked sad.

Finaly after they all did an interview that seems to drag on forever, we announced we were all done and the guys were welcome to go. Benji was pissed off that the journalist wanted to know if he was single and if he had something going on with Ashlee Simpson. Which there was not, seeing as they had only met twice. But when he got up he shook it off. I waved everyone off and knew somehow that Benji would leave last.

So there he was, hands in his pockets, eyes staring at the ground. As I looked at the window I saw Joel staring ferociously up at the window. I turned quickly on my heel and began to gather up equipment and my half eaten lunch.

"Never mind Joel, he likes to be all motherly on me. He'll be over it soon." He said reassuring me.

I shrugged. To be honest I didn't care about the thing with Joel anymore, I just wanted to get out of this fucking awkward conversation. I made a fast walk for the door.

"Hey, you wanna hang out tonight?" He said quickly and loudly so it was guaranteed he knew I damn well heard it.

"I can't." I said quickly, bringing my arms up to hold my camera tightly. I looked down and itched a freshly done tattoo on my wrist.

"Oh….that's a shame then…" He mumbled quietly. "But your going to the Warped thingy yeah? Or coming with me?" His voice raised slightly, back to normal speaking level.

I nodded. "Sure." I said. I need to go to the party, as I needed to take even more pictures of drunk punk bands talking about President Bush and becoming vegan. "I need a ride though…" I said hopefully, my car was fucked and wouldn't be able to go the highway stretch to warped.

"That's cool, I'll take you. I'll pick you up. At your house." He said quickly, grinning widely. I giggled at his face beaming and his cheeks scrunching up. Fuck, I needed my camera right then. I would of put that up on my wall. Jesus. Stop smiling. Now! In fact, put a paper bag over your head so I don't have to see you play with your piercings with your tongue. And those eyes…take them away!!! Please god whyyy…

I shook myself suddenly to bring me back to reality. "Sure. Sounds good." I nodded quickly and continued down the stairs and outside with Benji in tow.

"Cool." He said, getting his keys out of his pocket and pointing it at the blacked out truck in the parking lot. It flashed a brilliant orange in the night sky.

"See ya tomorrow." I called, as I walked past his truck and towards my own car.

"Bye Janey!" He called out all his electric windows moved down and his sound sytem blared out. He reversed and drove out off the lot and out onto the street.

I sighed and turned to my piece of shit car. The hood was a completely colour to the rest of the car; a mucky brown colour to be exact. Whatever. It was a car. At least I had one. I climbed in and slammed the door shut. I turned over the engine and set off in the opposite direction Benji took. I drove down the quiet streets with Finch playing softly in the background. When I reached my flat I fumbled with the key and finally fell through the door. After checking for messages, or ripped apart chairs from a dog's day home alone. I wriggled into a big shirt to sleep in and turned out the lights. The moon shone in from the small gap in the curtains. As it hit the wall behind be it lay to rest on a picture of Benji hung beautifully with folded and dis-coloured tape.

"Fuck off." I murmured under my breath, smiling a little. I climbed into a big empty bed and tried to shake off any memory of today or any other memory I had of that guy. I pulled the head off my pillow and looked back at the picture on my wall. My fingers traced his face and eyes. For a second I was completely lost….and then I realised that this crush had gone going on so long. Too long. Someone now I would fall in. that big fucking one they call love. And what a fucking bitch that is. This is not happening. So what if he opened his heart to me today? So what if he held my hand to pull me off the step? It doesn't mean anything. I don't like Benji. I am not in love with Benjamin Madden….

A piecing alarm woke me as I slept and I immediately shot up in my bed. My cell that was in the pocket of my jeans flashed in the darkness of the room. Moon light that shone through the gap in the curtains was replaced by sunlight that highlighted the dust floating in the air. I finally got to my senses and lent forward and dragged my jeans to get the cell going crazy in my pocket. I finally fumbled with it and put it to my ear. "Hello?" I croaked.

"Janey, I've been calling you for ages where are you?" Said a panicked voice at the other end. "I'm outside your apartment, waiting for you to come out!!"

"Oh…shit. Sorry! I over slept! I'll be down in a minute Benji!" I said quickly before slamming down the phone. I ran to my bathroom to get ready, pulled on yesterday's jeans and an old ripped Yellowcard shirt and ran back into my room, still with a toothbrush in my mouth. Suddenly there was some knocks at the door.

"Janey! It's just me, let me in!" I heard Benji call from the other side of the door in a muffled voice. I glanced around my room, pictures of him on the walls. There was no way he was coming in.

"Wait a sec, I'll be out in a sec!" I shouted and gathered up my wallet, glasses and camera in a bag. With that I ran to the door, sliding on my chucks as I walked. I burst through the door and Benji jumped quickly out the way. I shut the door and maintained my cool.

"What's up?" I smiled tiredly over at Benji. He laughed at me and shook his head.

"In all the years I've known you I've never actually set foot in your apartment!" He laughed, staring back at the door.

"There's nothing to see in there. Just a bed and a microwave." I laughed nervously, still thinking of the moon through the curtains.

"I'll have to come round and lay in your bed eating microwave macaroni and cheese then." He giggled. An image of him sat my bed eating macaroni popped into my head and amused me quite a bit.

I laughed nervously and began down the corridor. Benji walked slowly behind, looking at the other doors and the tasteless pictures hanging from the walls. We walked out and once again he pointed his keys to unlock the doors of his polished truck, which looked so out of place in my neighbourhood. We got in and I sat forward so my studded belt didn't ruin the leather seat. I didn't dare to smoke in their either, he'd crucify me if I did.

A rather hour long and un-comfortable journey later, and we arrived at the show. Tour busses and trailers lined the streets near by, and kids lined up ready to get in early to catch a glimpse of their idols. We drove round to the back and showed passes to get in. Roadies and merch crews stood in clusters, with random video cameras, documenting anything stupid their band was doing. Beer bottles already littered the floor, and it was only 10am. Equipment was being lugged around the place, avoiding tripping up on cables that ran around to the stages. In the distance you could hear tuning of guitars, and mike checks, and see the tops of the booths. We looked around aimlessly, trying to figure out where to go. Suddenly, Benji let out a little scream and leapt forward, as someone grabbed him by the shoulders. I leapt back suddenly and turned to see that GC's publicist stood there, with panic written all over his face.

Once Benji got his breath he closed his eyes, not expecting such a shock. "Shit Andy! What was that for?" He said angrily.

"You're late! You have idobi interviews to do with the others and I couldn't find you anywhere. Where the fuck did you go?" Andy said quickly, beckoning Benji to the direction of a booth.

"I went to pick up Janey, I'm sorry, I didn't think I'd be doing much today." Benji replied.

"Well you do. You've got meet and greets too. Come on, were waiting!" Snapped Andy as he turned and walked off. Benji sighed and turned back to me.

"I'm sorry…I have to..." He pointed to the booth where a very angry publicist stood looking out.

"It's fine. It's cool." I nodded. "I gotta go get some photos done anyway."

He looked at me for a couple seconds longer. "Well…come find me. When your done okay? I was hoping to just hang out with you today." He said hanging his head.

I nodded and grinned widely. "Don't worry, we've got the rest of the day to do that. Just go do your press stuff okay?" I said positively, trying to regain his good mood. He looked at me again and sighed heavily, before turning and walking as slow as he could to the booth. I saw him walk in and the rest of the guys standing up to ask where he was. I saw Benji sit down and ignored them all, and stared up at the sky. I could of taken a picture of that too. I smiled and realised I looked like a complete lunatic and shook my self out of it. I got my camera from my bag and walked around the booths looking for bands or anyone that would make my magazine look remotely interesting. I saw The Used signing tent and snuck round the corner. Brandon and Jepha sat at one end of the table, talking about wanting clean socks and sleep. Quinn and Bert sat at the other, putting their money on the table into a pile.

Quinn looked up and grinned. "Didn't think you'd be here today!" He said excitedly, before standing up to hug me.

"Me neither. But Benji gave me a ride up so…" I said, staring at the money pile. "What are you doing?" I said randomly.

"There putting their money together to buy weed." Brandon shouted from the other end of the tent in disgust. I laughed nervously and looked at Bert counting carefully and slowly. He saw me looking and grinned.

"I was never good at math." He said, shaking his head. He shifted his eyes to Quinn stood next to me. "Dude, we got $25." He said.

"$30!!" Shouted a voice from behind and in walked Nick Gigler, slamming his notes down on the table with the pile. He sat in the chair opposite and laughed.

"I'm gonna need a picture of this guys!" I said holding up my camera. "Broke bands are funny." I grinned and took a shot of them looking at the money pile.

Jepha turned round and looked up. "I know. It's funny. You should try something called SAVING, guys." He said loudly, making Gigler cringe a little and shake his head like the whole saving money thing was alien to him.

"I better go find more people to annoy." I said, putting the camera down. "Good luck guys!" I called, and walked out as they neatened the pile of random notes. I walked around a bit more, but nothing was at all interesting. I walked onto the stage to see Ryan, Shaun and Ben sat on the stage, with a piece of paper and a black marker pen. I sat down with them and looked over at their scribbled attempt of a set list. I took a picture before they had time to pose.

"Haha, gotcha." I said, grinning cheekily. Ben looked up alarmingly and yawned. "Heyyyyy." He said and rested his head on his hands. The other two looked up tiredly and smiled.

"Heyyy." They said in unison before turning back to their set list. I smiled and ran off quickly to find something else. I bummed a cigarette off Tony and kept walking along lazily, taking random pictures as I went. I soon found myself back where I first got in, and spotted GC's tent where they still sat with a bored look on their faces. Benji sat on the end drumming his fingers on his bottle of water.

He looked out and spotted me and his eyes perked up. He beckoned me over to the tent and I walked over and perched on the side of his chair. The others looked around and waved quickly, before looking back at a English reporter leaning forward with a tape recorder and a note book of questions. The reporter looked at me angrily. "Hey! You can't be in here unless you have a reason. I'm busy!" He snapped.

"Its cool its cool, she's with me!" Benji said quickly and angrily which made the reporter cower a little. As he said it he put his hand on my leg and it made me go all warm and fuzzy. Again, I shook myself out of it and smiled at Benji like it wasn't a big deal at all. Why couldn't he stop being all cute and stuff? It was too hard.

After a few more questions the reporter shut off his tape recorder and nodded to say he was fished. The 5 guys immediately got up of the seats and stretched, before heading outside to get more water and see their friends. Benji looked round at me and re positioned his hat. "You get good pictures?" He asked, looking down at my camera.

"Uh…yeah. They're okay. Weed dealing with Gigler, Quinn and Bert and then just Ryan and that lot putting together set lists. Enough to keep the boss happy anyway." Benji nodded and looked back down at the floor.

"Cheer up. Just some press and meet and greets now and then we'll hang out." I smiled hopefully. He nodded once again and fiddled with his lip rings. He suddenly looked at me and he smiled slyly.

"What?" I said puzzled.

"Lets go." He grinned. He lowered his voice so his band couldn't hear him talking. "Run away somewhere…hide out in someone's bus or something! It will be fun!" He said excitedly.

"You've got interviews to do Benj…" I said, more responsibly than usual. His eyes flickered widely and he moved closer to me.

"Fuck it!" He hissed. "Let's just go now!" He giggled and he looked around to make sure no one was watching. Suddenly, he grabbed my hand and ran out the back or tent and ducked down to walk past Joel without him seeing. We ran past the fence that kept the kids from coming in and as they saw him pass through they screamed and cheered. I laughed as he just coolly waved and snuck off again. We continued down the rows of tents and stalls, occasionally running into someone we knew and waving and kept running. We finally came to a huge trailer that was joined to a big blacked out bus. The door of the trailer was ajar and he checked to see if anyone saw us. Suddenly he pulled the trailer door open and jumped inside the pitch black box.

"Get in!!" He hissed poking his head out to check again. I jumped in and he slammed the door shut. We breathed heavily from all the running we did and felt our way around for the walls and slid down.

Benji erupted with laugher and I followed suit. "I haven't done this in years!!!" He shouted and laughed.

"I don't think I've _ever _done this!" I sputtered through my laughing. Benji got his cell phone out so the screen would light up the box. "Whose trailer is this anyway?" He said, looking around at the guitar and drum cases.

"Don't ask me…I thought you would know!" I laughed, trying to open a guitar case to see if I recognised the guitar. I couldn't get it open, and I sighed and lent back on the wall. I felt around for my camera on the floor to make sure I didn't damage it jumping into the trailer. I couldn't feel it and turned to where I saw Benji's figure to see if it was on his side of the trailer. Suddenly there was a flash of light on my eyes and Benji erupted with laughter as he gave me back my camera that he just took a picture of me with.

"Asshole!!" I laughed and sat back against the wall. "The camera is not to take photos of me with!" I said and felt around in my pocket for my cigarettes and lighter.

"Aw. Can I just take some more of you? I'll have them! I don't have any pictures of you." I heard him say. In the darkness I couldn't even tell if he was serious or not, and I was pretty sure he was joking. I laughed nervously and pulled the camera towards me out of reach from him.

There was a silence and then he sighed deeply. "Joel's probably going crazy right now." Benji giggled, curling into a ball. "It's going to be so funny when he confronts me about it." He laughed even harder.

I gave a little murmur of disapproval. "I think I'm a bad influence on you Benjamin. First I get you smoking and then I got you skipping work." I laughed, reminding myself to get myself another cigarette that I stole from Bert back at the tent. I pulled one out, put it to my lips and lit it carefully. The light from the flame illuminated the trailer for a second to see Benji looking eagerly at my cigarette like he did the day before. I smiled and threw him the pack and a lighter which he caught and proceeded to do to the same as I did. We threw our heads back against the wall of the trailer and exhaled deeply.

"Took your advice by the way." He said suddenly.

"What bit? I say a lot of crap so you shouldn't listen to me." I laughed, taking another drag.

"About having a vacation or something. After the next tour. I'm just going to get a plane outta here for a while." He said quietly. "And you talked a lot of sense into me so thank you." He said even quieter and slower. Without even seeing his face in the darkness I knew that his face was going a little red like he does when he gets shy.

"Bullshit. I never say anything useful!" I laughed, trying to brighten up the conversation. I wasn't even fishing for complements; I do talk a lot of shit. That's another reason why I didn't go to college, because I was just too retarded. I drummed my fingers on the cold wood floor of the trailer and slid my legs out so they touched the opposite wall.

"Shut up!" He said, playfully pushing my head lightly. Even feeling the warmth of his hand against my face made me tingle. I hid it well though, that's the great thing about darkness, who over is with you can't see you smile or cry. I giggled slightly and touched my cheek where he put his hands just moments before.

"Where are you gonna get a plane to then?" I said, trying to be cool about what had just happened.

"Well I was thinking right…" He stopped to take another drag of his cigarette and then continued. "I was thinking I could go to England. That would be rad." He said. I spun my head round at the mention of home.

"Why the fuck would you wanna go there?" I laughed nervously, looking at his dark figure. "London gets boring pretty quickly."

"Well I've been there before but we didn't get a day off so I never got to explore." He explained. "Need someone to show me around though." He elbowed me in recognition.

"Ooooh No!" I laughed. "I like the weather here better thanks." I said.

"Oh come on, it will be fun! On me, a treat!"

"I can't. The point of your trip is to have a break. It won't be much of one with me around!" I pointed out. I stubbed the remainder of my cigarette on the wall behind and saw the embers fade out under the force of my fingers.

"Well we can have a break together can't we? We both need this." As he spoke he slid his hand over mine and squeezed it hard. My heart sped up so much I thought it was going to burst. My breathing became quicker and louder and I swallowed hard. Something so innocent had got my stomach in knots. I squeezed back quickly and he then removed his hand and put it back on his leg. I pulled my hand away quickly and held it in my other hand. I tried to calm myself and my breathing went back to normal, though it was still heavy. I stared at the darkness that was the ceiling and smiled faintly to myself. I shook myself out of my imagination and turned back to Benji, who had now repositioned himself to face me. I swallowed hard again and tried to relax. This was getting fucking stupid. I couldn't go on getting all giddy every time we met. I had to get over this. I had to take his pictures down…stop carrying the lighter he gave me for my birthday. Stop seeing him when neither of us was working.

I realised that is had been at least 10 seconds since he said it and quickly sat up a bit more and straitened out my shirt. "Naah." My voice was still shaky. "You wouldn't want me there." I said, biting my nails.

"I wanna meet your mom!" He said loudly and giggled. I smiled slightly and looked at the dark floor. I thought of home for a second and looked back up. Things were a whole lot simpler out here.

"She'd love you!" I laughed. Suddenly this little escape mission in the back of someone's trailer become less fun. My stomach hurt and my mind was whirling from all the thoughts going on inside. There was silence and all you could hear was footsteps outside from passers by. Benji's head jerked up. He was listening and the same time we both realised that the footsteps were not as distant as we thought. Benji put his hand over my mouth to stop me talking. We slowly stood up and he had his hand on my waist. Getting caught in someone's trailer was the least of my worries. Benji had his hands on me. I felt his fingers brush my lips and the silence we stood in. I had the urge to just spin around and look at his eyes for approval but even if I seriously though of doing that, I was frozen to the spot. Voices came louder from outside. We listened intently to see if we recognised them.

A cell phone rung outside. After a couple of seconds someone picked it up.

"Hey! Where are you guys?" Said the voice. It was guy…but I didn't recognise anything more than that. "Oh, right. That's weird…..If I see him I'll tell him okay? I'm just about to unload some shit off the trailer and then I'll come find you." Said the guy. "Bye!" He said and put it down. Benji's breathing was heavy now, and his hand tightened on my waist. I was right up against him now, against the wall trying to stand behind some boxes.

Keys rattled outside the door and we heard someone fiddling with the lock that was all ready opened by us. Benji jumped back from me and crouched down and I did the same. "Shit! Shit! Shit!" He hissed to himself. There was no point hiding now, they'd see us as soon as they opened the door. Suddenly white light pounded through the door, and a figure stood there. Our eyes squinted from the light. As my eyes became accustomed, I saw the goatee, and the green hair. I sighed in relief that it was someone I knew. Benji smiled as he realised too and jumped up suddenly and made a extremely loud bird sound.

Ian jumped back in shock and screamed at the same time. He leant forward trying to catch his breath. "WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!!" He shouted through laughing. I sprung up too, and doubled over laughing at Ian's heart attack. Benji laughed just as much as me, leaning up to the wall to stop himself falling over the guitar cases on the floor. We slowly made our way through the equipment and jumped out of the trailer door back into the sunlight.

"What the hell were you doing in there?" He said, spinning around to see us grinning.

"Felt like hiding out." Benji laughed, leaning on one of the trailer doors and putting his cell back in his pocket.

"Fuck guys…I'm getting you back for that, I fucking swear!" He said, pointing his finger at Benj and me. "Anyway, everyone's looking for you Benji, your brother thought you had been abducted or something." Ian explained. He got into the trailer and started moving around boxes and cases.

Benji looked round at me worridly and turned back to Ian. "Joel pissed?"

"Oh hell yeah, he's pissed." Ian said, moving more boxes.

"Shit." Benji said under his breath. "I'll go find him now. See ya later, if you're going to be around tonight?" Benji said.

"I'll be around the place. See ya!" Ian called as we walked away from the trailer. I kicked my heels in the dirt of the dry field and shook my head.

"I've got you in trouble. AGAIN." I said shamefully. Joel must of really hated me now. First I got his brother smoking and now I'd got him running away from 2-3 hours worth of interviews and stuff. I slung my camera bag over my shoulder. "I should go…This isn't a good idea. I've got all the pictures I need." I said, looking up at Benji.

He pulled my arm and held it. "Don't go, Joel will get over it quickly. Just stay. For me. Please." He looked directly into my eyes as he said it and I stood in silence staring right back. I shook my head and looked up apologetically. His hand on my arm slid down and held my hand in his. I looked at the floor suddenly and closed my eyes quickly get to get a grip. "Please." He whispered again, this time he was more close to me than ever before. I felt my heart racing again. I looked up at the eyes that were staring into mine. I looked into them and searched in and around for what seemed like an eternity. I suddenly shocked myself and jumped back away from his grip.

"What's the matter?" He said, shocked. He tried to move closer to me and I just took another step back.

"I can't do this anymore." I said, my voice because shaky and my throat closed up.

"Do what?"

"This. Me being with you. It isn't good for me. I'm sorry." I said, letting my bangs fall in my face to hide my eyes that were becoming glazed over. My stomache was in knots once again. What had made me feel so good an hour ago suddenly became too painfull to cope with. By being with him it made it painfull to know that this was all he wanted and all that I would ever have with him. I was putting myself though too much pain, watching his every move to fantasize about him. If this ever when past a stupid crush, and I knew it was happening, it would be more painfull to pull myself away. I had to end it right there before it begun, to save me the hurt.

He searched my face for a hint of why I said the things I said. "I don't get it. Whats the matter? Janey…is there something wrong. Come here, give me a hug." He said walking forward and attempting to hug my body that was clenched up so my hands covered my face. I pushed him away with my elbows, so he didn't see me cry.

"I have to go now." I croaked through tears. I turned my back and walked quickly through the site, black eyeliner creating tear tracks down my cheeks. I saw Quinn look out and run towards me, but I kept going. I saw Billy who ran out to me too, but I kept walking. The calls of my name were a complete blur and the only thing I had strength to do was to walk out. They wouldn't understand if I told them, none of them would. Quinn and Billy stopped trying to chase me. And they stood next to each other and looked at each other with bewilderment. I passed back through the mess of trailers and busses and kept walking.

"Janey!! Janey stop, talk to me!" I heard a familiar voice say. I turned to see Benji up against the wire that separated the site from the street. His fingers held onto the gaps in the wired fence and his face was pressed up. The more concerned he looked at me the more it made me cry, that I would never see that face again. I had to have discipline about it. It was for my one good. I kept replaying the thought back to myself in my head to try and reassure myself I was doing the right thing. I turned to look at his face one last time, and walked quickly down the road.

I woke up to the sound of the phone rumbling and bleeping. This time it wasn't on the floor, but in my pocket. I looked down hazily to realise I fell asleep wearing the same clothes I wore during the day. It was night time through the window and the moonlight shone in on the same picture. I reached down to retrieve my cell. The small silver block flashed violently, hurting my newly opened eyes. I focused. 'Incoming call: Benji' It said. I cancelled the call and put my head back on the pillow. My eyes were swollen and my head ached. It took me a moment to register how I got to this place…some busses and a taxi came into the equation somehow. My phone started ringing again. The same message flashed across the screen. I cancelled it once again. '13 missed calls' it read. I looked surprised and found out who needed to talk to me. One from Quinn. Three from Billy. Nine from Benji. I sighed, turned off the phone and threw it at the wall.

I turned to put my head on the pillow to find myself staring at my favourite picture through the moonlight. I stared longingly for a moment or two and reached out my hand and ripped it off the wall. I threw it in the same direction of my cell phone. I stood up on my bed, and removed all the pictures and screwed them up tightly and threw them at the floor. I tucked my legs up and cried again into my hands. Anyone would think this behaviour was more suited to the end of a relationship…but it hadn't even started. I tried to regain my composure but I failed and hugged my knees and rocked back and fourth. My phone hadn't rung in ages and I presumed he must have given up.

I slid back underneath the covers and tried to think of something else. As if I hadn't had enough to think about, Benji talking of London made me think of home and everyone I missed. My friends…how we used to sit outside our favourite band's shows from early in the morning, just to get a glimpse of our heroes. My brother and his stupid parties and his nappy dreads. My dad…god I missed him. The one thing me and Benji had in common was coming from broken homes, only my dad wasn't the villain in mine. It's a tough life working to provide for such an alcoholic whore such as my mother. No wonder he left, I don't blame him, and I went with him. I shook my head for the millionth time in the last 24 hours and tried to get back to sleep. It was silent and calm and I hugged my pillow and settled back down. Suddenly there was thumps at the door. I jumped suddenly in shock and sprung to my feet. I ran to the door and listened to see if it was someone I knew. There was more silence. Who ever was at my door in the middle of the night must have had a important reason so I opened the door tiredly with my weak arms. I looked at my feel momentarily and looked up to see Benji stood there.

"Janey I…" I cut him off by attempting to slam the door on him. He was stronger than me and he pushed back and fell into my dark apartment. There was no point trying to shove him out again, it looked like he was here to stay. His hat covered his eyes and face and I could only see the glint of his lip rings. He went back to the door to find my light switch and he turned it one. I squinted of the bright light and leant against the wall. I stood in silence, trying to plot my words carefully. He came closer to me, so we were as close as we were outside the van. It made me just as uncomfortable and my eyes darted around the room trying to avoid his face. The light from the full moon traced right down the small corridor and settled on Benji's face. It was almost as if pathetic falousy kept reminding me how much he meant to me.

"What's going on Janey." He whispered, leaning right over me with a concerned look on his face. I shook my head, shrugged and looked down at the floor. Benji tilted my head back up to meet his.

"Please tell me." He whispered again, staring right into my eyes. "Is there a place we could talk…whereas your lounge around here?" He said, looking around for another door. There was only one door at the end and that was my bedroom. I didn't have any other rooms. I kept a microwave in the corner and I have a tiny bathroom on the end. Did I mention LA homes are expensive?

I wasn't at all happy about him going into my room and even being in my flat…but I sighed and pointed to the door. He stopped leaning right over me and paced towards the door. I ran in front and opened the door carefully, putting my head round first to see if there was anything I didn't want him looking at. I saw the torn and crumpled up photos on the floor and I quickly darted in and shoved them under the bed before he got the chance to see them. He walked in and looked around the dark room. Again, he searched for the light switch and flicked it on. I had become accustomed to the light and I didn't cover my eyes as it came on. He starred at the bare room and its contents and looked surprised. He had a huge house, so I could tell it wasn't what he was used to. He sat on the bed and put his head in his hands. I sat beside him. This time the moonlight covered both of us.

"What happened today?" He asked quietly.

"I just didn't think it was a good idea for me to hang out with you anymore."

"Look, I told you before, I couldn't give a fuck about what Joel thinks and-"

"Its not about Joel." I interrupted.

"Then what is it about Janey?" He demanded. He was no longer looking at the floor but looking strait at me.

"It's about me." I said quietly and looked at my feet. I wasn't going to tell him anything more, because I'd blurt something out that was going to be stupid and regrettable.

"Why? What's the matter?" He said, lowering his voice to the same as mine. We sat in silence for a bit while I plotted what to say. He moved closer to me and took my hand and put it in his.

I snatched my hand back. "You're making it worse!" I said stumbling over my words. He looked shocked and his head darted up to look at me.

"How am I making it worse by trying to comfort my friend?" He said, trying to justify his actions. That was it right there. Friend. He said friend and that is what he meant. I was purely his friend…so why couldn't I just get over it? That's what I'm meant to do but I wasn't sure how. Where should I start?

I shook my head and bit my lip, trying to stop myself screaming how much I liked him. How much I just wanted to know what it was like to kiss those lips and feel the cool metal of lip rings. How I just wanted to hug him to sleep.

"It doesn't matter.." I muttered quietly.

"It does fucking matter." He said glaring at me. "I've booked tickets for London for Friday. Two tickets, so you can get a break too. Look at you. Youre just so tiered doing all this work. Pack some stuff." He said, or rather demanded.

"I can't come. I can't just put down my job for a week or two." I pointed out. There was no way I was going with him. After this little 3am talk, I wouldn't talk to him unless I had to for work. It stopped here tonight.

"I cleared it with your boss. He's happy for you to go." He said. I had forgot that Benji knew my boss too.

I shook my head. "I'm not coming. I'm sorry Benj, I can't."

"Is this about seeing your mom? We don't have to see her. You don't even have to tell her you're back. You don't have to let anyone know your back home, just hang out with me." He said. I had told him everything about my family. I had told him everything and anything about me, which made this even harder, because he knew when I was hiding something. He got of the bed and couched in front of me to see my face. He looked at me intently. "Please Janey, I need you there." He kept looking for a anwer.

I let my hair fall over my eyes. Anyone else would be crazy to not pass up such an opertunity as this…Well I was insane; but it was his fault.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry. That's a no." I said quietly but firmly. He kept still for a second then got to his feet. He looked down at me and sighed.

"That's a shame." He whispered. He turned on his heel and headed for the door. I looked up just in time to see him walking out the room, down the hall way and out the door. I heard it slam.

I fell back onto my bed and newly released tears soothed the swollen eyes from wiping the tears that had fell before. At least I knew this was the end. I didn't have to see him anymore unless I had to do another shoot…and all I had to do then was to take the fucking pictures and leave. It had to be a good thing. I knew what I felt of him was beyond a crush. I stopped it before I made a fool of myself. He was going to London, I was staying here. He was going to go on tour, and I was going to fix up my car so I could get to work. He never knew how I felt; and I was happy with that.

Should I smile because he was my friend? Or cry because it's all we'll ever be?

I rocked back and fourth and looked at the screwed up photos sticking out from under the bed. I stared for a couple more seconds and then rose to my feet. Grabbing a hoodie from the floor and stuffing my last pay check in my pocket, I grabbed my keys and walked down the same hallway that Benji had just walked a second before, and out the door.

The street lights seemed a lot brighter than the lights in my apartment. My hood was up and my bleached hair stuck out at the sides. I looked at the floor and kept walking. I didn't have a destination, I just wanted to walk. And walk and cry. I found at a 24 hour shop at the end of the street and walked in. I walked to the beer section and picked up the biggest bottle of Jack Daniels I could find and went to the desk. The guy behind it looked at the huge bottle, and looked at the small skinny girl with red eyes. I threw some money on the table and walked out, forgetting about getting my change. I walked out and opened the bottle, and threw the cap on the floor behind. I took a swig and shuddered from the burning of my throat.

I kept walking, drivers in cars that were still on the roads at 3 am looked at me with fascination. I walked along, swigging my bottle as I went. I walked right through town and out the other side. I passed the building and the steps where I and Benji had sat just a couple of days before. I stopped to stare for a second and kept moving. Past traffic lights and intersections till I found the road that lead under the bridge of the highway. The street lights faded out behind me until I got right under the bridge. I leant against the cool concrete side and slid down to sit on the floor. I swigged my bottle continuously and looked up at the ceiling. I heard cars from up on the over pass zooming past, and I thought of their occupants and how they're night had probably been a hell of a lot better than my own. A quarter of the bottle was now settled in my stomache. The taste was still distinctive in my mouth, and my throat still felt like someone had set it on fire. The more I drank, the less I felt it; or at least cared.

Looking at my watch, I realised another hour has passed. I wasn't tiered yet, I didn't even yawn. It felt like I hadn't blinked in years; I stared motionless and the wall opposite, looking at the intricate graffiti that sat underneath. Some of that was done by me, on my first night being here. I remember how happy I was to be here, how fresh and new this whole thing was going to be. I knew no one, so my boss took me out with a band I didn't even know to 'fuck shit up' down town.

I took showers everyday and wore fresh underwear but I felt worn and torn from nothing physical, just several knocks to my confidence and my honesty with myself. The devil and the angel sat on my shoulder told me to do different things. I didn't need or want to choose. This bottle of JD and the cigarettes in my pocket were enough. Right now I was comfortably numb. My sips of the bottle turned into messy gulps, and bigger and more frequent than before. I was happy to sit on my own, shivering in the cold. I thought about going home, and then again about sitting outside being able to see the vapour of my breath rising into the sky. I opted to stay longer. My JD was now half full and I had to put my full weight on the wall behind to stop me sliding down.

My phone rumbled and bleeped in my pocket and I slowly and clumsily pulled it out. I saw jumbled letters on the front and couldn't be bothered to work out what they meant. I fumbled with it and picked up the phone.

"Hellooo" I slurred.

"What the fuck did you do to my brother?" Shouted a voice from the end of the phone.

I was too far gone to put two and two together. I waited a bit. "What?" I said quietly, bitting my lip so hard that it drew blood. I sucked it a bit to stop it dribbling down my chin. I didn't really feel the pain, I just felt the warm metallic taste.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. He acted weirdly since you and him started hanging out. And now he turns up at my house bawling his eyes out asking me if he can borrow a suitcase!" The guy screamed again.

I was too busy concentrating on the blood coming from my lip to answer.

"Janey. Janey hello?"

I remember thinking, 'haha, that's my name!'. Again I didn't say anything. I fumbled around for the bottle by my feet and took another un-lady like gulp.

"Where are you? I hear cars. Where are you?"

I closed my eyes for a second because the graffiti was now out of focus and blurred. When I opened them they were the same. "The graffiti…I wrote that!" I laughed out loud without realising.

"Did you take something?" The voice demanded. "Janey talk to me. Are you under the bridge with the graffiti we wrote?" It registered in my head what he was saying and I nodded, realising how he was on the phone and not able to see.

"I'm coming to get you." He said loudly and slowly. My phone bleeped to tell me he had hung up. It took me a while to realise that the voice on the phone had gone. I dropped it from my ear and it landed next to the blurred bottle, which reminded me to drink more. I took another swig and looked at the black label. I traced the squiggles of writing with my finger and suddenly looked at the bottle in disgust. I threw it by its neck not long away from where I was sat. It didn't shatter, but the remainder of its contents flooded out, following the altitude of the concrete. I watched it touch the end of my foot but didn't bother to avoid it.

As it split down into smaller streams and headed for the gutter, I saw lights reflecting of the graffiti. I looked to my side to see two huge circles of light heading down the road. As it moved closer, it started to sting my eyes and I pulled my arm up to block out the light. As it approached the outline of a black truck slowed to a stop. One of the doors opened and a tall figure jumped out and slammed the door behind him.

He was dressed all in black, apart from his arms that showed off intricate drawings in black ink. I traced them with my eyes as he moved closer towards me. He got on his knees and looked back at the super-sized JD bottle on its side. He looked back to me and shook me by the shoulders. I laughed slightly and relaxed again. I felt his fingers on my chin where the blood had made a track. His voice echoed to me and I stared at him and the black drawing on his arm.

"I'll help you up." I heard him say. I felt my wrists being pulled and I had no choice but to rise up as he pulled. I was about to fall forward when he grabbed my waist to stop me falling.

"Gotcha!" He laughed, and he dragged me to his truck. I was still looking at the streams of liquid tracing across the ground, changing direction and shape as it hit the curb. I heard the door being opened from behind and being pushed into the seat. I immediately threw my head back as a realised the leather was a lot more comfy than the concrete wall. The man put my hand on my lap so it didn't get trapped in the door and he shut it carefully. He got in the other side and slammed his door that made me sit up a little with shock.

I heard the engine start and we were propelled forward.

"What are you doing all the way out here?" He asked.

"Walking." I slurred.

"Benji said he came to see you." He said distantly.

It was the first time I thought of him or his name in a couple of hours. The sudden mention of his name made me come crashing down to earth. I remembered him being in my room. Sitting on the bed. The pictures screwed up. "The pictures…" I mumbled to myself.

"Pictures? What pictures?" He said, turning his head, confused.

"The ones of him. They were on the wall. But they aren't anymore." I said suddenly, not thinking about what I was saying.

"As in…pictures of Benji?" He asked.

I nodded violently. "Yes..yes…him…Benji." I mumbled again.

The guy looked kinda confused but he nodded anyway.

"Why don't you want to go with him to London?" He asked again. What was with all the questions?

"Complicated."

"How do you figure?"

"Just is."

"Try me."

"Because…"I paused and re adjusted myself in my seat. "Just because." I repeated.

I leant against the window and watched the closed shops zoom by. I suddenly saw the shop that I bought my Jack Daniels from and realised I was almost home. The car didn't slow down and I saw my apartment block fly by.

"No! I live there! Back there!" I shouted, pointing out the window.

"I know you do, but your coming back to mine, you can't be alone if you're going to get sick." He said. His voice was a lot clearer than it was when he first picked me up. I felt tiered suddenly and I couldn't be bothered to argue with him so I put my head back and closed my eyes. "This can't be happening. It shouldn't have come to this." I whispered to myself.

Joel darted his head around. "What should have come to this?" He asked.

"This thing. With your brother."

"Why what thing? Did you two have a fight about something?" He asked again. I don't think he had said anything the entire journey that wasn't a question. I stayed silent for a couple of seconds, following the lines on the road with my eyes fly past.

"Janey!" Joel shouted.

"What!" I shouted back.

"Did you two fight?"

"Not fight."

"Why are you angry with him?" He glared.

"I'm not angry."

"Then what?" He raised his voice, getting impatient.

"I'm…sad." I slurred.

"Why are you sad then?"

"Because I'm sad. I'm sad because I am sad." I amused myself as I said it and let out a little giggle. There was no laugh from the other side of the car.

"Look, you've made my brother upset. What the hell did you do?"

"I told him we couldn't be friends."

"What the fuck, Janey. Why can't you be friends?" He said angrily. His driving had become a little more violent, his turns where becoming sharp and it threw my limp body round the seat.

"Because it hurts." I blurted out. I had felt I had exposed myself. I looked out the window in a desperate bid to cover myself. In the reflection I saw the blood starting to creep down from my lip. I quickly wiped it up with the sleeve of my hoodie. There was silence from Joel, who was probably trying to make sense of the jumbled mess of words I had just said.

"Who does it hurt?" He said slowly, looking puzzled.

"Me." I mumbled.

"How come?" He asked.

I stayed silent. I had already said too much. I wasn't going to talk to him unless he changed the subject.

"Janey. How come?" He asked again, raising his voice. "I don't get this. Tell me what's going on. Janey." He said slowly, looking over at me. "Janey!" He shouted. I didn't like it when he shouted, it made my stomach go funny and I cowered slightly in my seat. Joel sensed he wasn't getting anywhere. He calmed himself and tried to concentrate on the road and not getting answers from me. I owed him an answer, even if I was too drunk to talk strait.

"I didn't mean to hurt him. Not ever." I said slowly, not only reassuring Joel, but myself too. "He'll realise this is for the best. Maybe I'll even tell him why after I'm over all this!" I smiled slightly, trying to raise the mood.

Joel accepted what I had said, but he wasn't finished. "I just don't understand why you can't be friends with him. You mean the world to Benji." He said, trying not to loose his temper.

"Well he means the universe to me. And that's too much. I have to keep away from him. I could really screw things up." I realised I was talking more sense since earlier. I also knew I'd said too much. Joel's eyes fixated on mine.

"What do you mean by that?" He asked.

"Nothing." I mumbled.

"No, serious, what are you trying to say?" He asked again.

I shook my head and nervously laughed. "Nothing!" I giggled.

There was silence.

"Are you trying to be sarcastic? Benji is a good guy, if you have a problem with him, say. Don't bullshit me." He said angrily.

"I'm not being sarcastic."

"Then what are you saying huh?" He raised his voice again.

I had said way way way too much. I shut up and looked out the window.

"Janey?" He called again. "What the fuck is your problem? One minute you're hanging out with him at Warped today and then you just walk off and leave him there. You know what? You're a real bitch, Janey. You really are!" He shouted.

I got irritated. "You have no fucking idea." I snarled back at him.

"Well fill me in then. What am I getting wrong here?" He shouted.

"I'm not a bitch." I said quietly.

"Well what is it then? Is this the reason you left the UK? Cause you where cruel to all your friends out there too?"

"That's not true!" I screamed. He almost looked surprised that I was matching the volume of his voice.

"Then why the hell did you tell him to fuck off then!?" He screamed even louder, not looking at the road, just looking at me to shout. My blood was boiling, it was about to burst I could feel it.

"Because I'm in love with him okay!" I screamed. I leant forward to hide my face once I realised what I just said. The car was silent. Joel was silent. He slowed right down and pulled into a parking lot. He slowly turned to keys and the engine ceased. His mouth was still open and he had forgotten to blink. His movements where no longer angry, but slow and dazed. Tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn't believe I had let it slip. This was it. I had fucked everything up. Joel took off his seatbelt and turned to face me. I was still leant forward, crying into my hands. As I opened my eyes my palms were filled with a mixture of salty water and blood. I looked round to see him still staring at me.

"Are you fucking happy now?" I sobbed into my hands. He was quiet again.

"Janey, I didn't know tha-"

"No. You didn't did you." I whimpered. I sat back up and wiped my eyes with my sleeve. I looked over at Joel who looked genuinely guilty.

"I'm so sorry Joel. I didn't mean to hurt him. I really didn't." I said, trying to mop up my eyes before the tears had a chance to hit my cheeks. He leaned over and hugged me tight.

I kept crying on his shoulder. "Shh, shh." He said stroking my hair. "I know you didn't."

"But now he's going half way round the world and he's upset and I didn't give him an explanation." I said, the words running into each other and falling. I felt hopeless. At least no one knew and I would try and get over it. But now, his brother knew, and he never keeps a secret from him. We sat in silence, the drink finally slaughtering my emotional state. He lightened his grip and leaned back to see my face, and my blotching eyes were now stinging.

"Drop me home." I asked.

He shook his head, "No way. You're coming home with me, I can't let you be alone right now." He whispered, squeezing my hand. It made me smile a little to know he cared. I felt tiered and sick.

"Joel?"

"Yeah."

"Lets go. I feel sick." I sighed, leaning back against the seat.

He laughed and leant forward to start the engine. "Mind the leather." He laughed. I slowly put up my middle finger and giggled and we pulled out the car park. I was sleepy and the road moved in and out of focus. Joel didn't say anything for the rest of the ride home, but when we got to his house I saw Benji's truck in the drive.

I shook my head and tried to open the door. "No fucking way…" I mumbled and Joel caught my arm as I tried to break free.

"I won't say anything I swear. As far as he knows I found you drunk when I was driving to get some food." I tried to reassure me. His grip on my arm loosened when he realised I wasn't gonna run away.

"At 3am? You went to get food at 3am?" I said.

He paused once he realised his plan had hit a brick wall. "I'll say I was really hungry or something."

I looked at him and stared.

"Well I'll think of something!" He grinned and I couldn't help but grin back. I trusted Joel, I knew he wouldn't say anything. I jumped out of the truck and immediately needed to fall back on the truck, I forgot how drunk I got.

"Steady!" Joel panicked, coming round my side of the truck and helping me to the door. The front yard was just a green blur and I kept smiling thinking how blurry the grass was. Joel searched for his keys and we fell in the door. I laughed as I fell on my ass and it echoed through the huge high-ceilinged room. Four or five dogs immediately ran in, in a huge pack and climbed all over my legs, trying to get some attention. I laughed more and fell against the front door. Joel's mood was now lightened from the bombardment of dogs, and dragged them away smiling. The dogs, lead by a very huge and bouncy boxer named Cash, got put in the other room. It was silent again, and I glanced around at the room. It was the hugest 'hall' I'd ever seen, and the marble floor glistened from polish. Pictures of family and friends sat perfectly and strait on the walls that were painted immaculately white. The lights stung my eyes like the headlights before but I shut my eyes.

"Come on!" Joel laughed, extending his hands to pull me off the floor. He dragged me down the long hall which lead to an even bigger kitchen. A couch sat in the corner and I saw Benji sat on it, circling the rim on a glass of wine. He obviously knew I'd come in and I was probably drunk, but he seemed shocked to see the state I was in. He rose to his feet and walked up to Joel and led him away for a private conversation. I looked at Joel who turned his head to me and nodded as his brother lead him away. I sunk to my feet again and sat against the refrigerator. 'Made' magnets sat randomly on it, with a few pieces of paper. Everything in the room was way more expensive and better than anything I had. I felt so out of place…if I could stand without falling over I'd probably go out and run home, because Benji and I in the same building meant I defiantly had to leave.

I head muffled raised voices from the next room. I strained my ears to try and hear what was said, but my ears were too echoing to understand. Suddenly the door swung open and Benji stormed in and I tried to resist looking but I couldn't. He glanced down momentarily at my skinny weak body in a heap on the floor. I looked up and our eyes met. I'll never forget that look he gave me. It looked like he wanted to punch me, and I actually thought he would do something like that, at least shout at me. I was a bad friend, a fucking horrible friend. And he must of thought I was a complete bitch for giving him no explanation. I rather have him thinking I was a bitch, than let him know the truth. Through a whole bottle of JD, and an already fucked up head, I still knew I was making the right choice. As he looked with a piercing stare, I met it with the most angry and confused face ever. It was enough for him to speed his walk and I heard the front door slam behind him. Good. I didn't have to see him for a while now.

Shortly after the door slammed, Joel immerged from the same room. He hung his head a moment and sighed and then looked at me.

"He didn't take that well at all." He said worryingly. He paced to the sink and pulled out a glass. Cold water rose in the cup and he bought it over to me. "I don't know what he thinks. But he doesn't believe me at all." He continued. I raised my hand to take the cup. I took a sip and he sat down on the floor next to me, elbows on his knees like a little boy. "He said something about a trailer. About you and him and a trailer?" Joel thought to himself as to what Benji was going on about. It immediately made sense to me and I smiled faintly. He saw me smile and looked puzzled.

"I know." I nodded, my smile fading a little. Joel was about to ask about it but he didn't press the issue. Instead he looked around at his beautiful kitchen, and arranged the magnets behind me so they were strait. He then got to his feet and pulled me up behind him.

"Sure you don't want to reconcider?" He asked. I was puzzled as to his subject because of my pounding head.

"Reconsider what?" I grumbled.

"Telling Benji all about that thing. It could make things better."

I panicked. Was he trying to tell me that he had already broken the news to him? "Why? What do you know? Has he said anything?"

He interrupted my list of questions. "Relax. I didn't say a thing!" He giggled.

"How do you know he won't freak out?"

"I don't." Joel shrugged his shoulders. "But its worth a try isn't it?" He suggested, heading for the door. I followed him out and turned out the kitchen light behind me. I followed him up the stairs, a pack of dogs bounding up in front. Joel opened the first door on the left and put on the light.

The room was immaculate, the same white walls as before, and the only things in the room was a bed, a lamp and a bookcase on the opposite wall. A small door in the corner of the room made me assume that was the toilet.

"This is your room for tonight." Joel said, and his voice echoed round the minimalist room. "My room is right up the hall on the end…If you need anything, just call. And the toilet is that door." Joel pointed to the door in the corner of the room and pulled me out of the doorway and into the room.

I stood there in a daze for a second, before Joel decided to get all motherly. "Get into bed!" He said nudging me. I collapsed of the huge bed, and I sunk into the pillows.

"Shoes!" He called. I lifted up my legs and he pulled off my shoes and threw them on the floor. "Hoodie!" He called again, and I put up my arms so he could pull off the hoodie. He stood there for a second and stared at my drunken state. My eyes were closed, and I was almost asleep. I heard a little snigger and he kissed my forehead. "I'll bring you up some paracetemol in the morning okay? You're going to need it!"

"Byeee…" I murmured, and the light when out and the door closed.

"Gah."

"That's all you can say?" Laughed Joel.

My chair squeaked on the kitchen floor. Every tiny noise echoed loudly through my brain. I took another sip of water and rubbed my head.

"Where is he?" I mumbled.

"When you say he I presume you mean Benj. I don't know where he is, he stormed off last night. He must be at home." Joel said, flipping through a magazine still in only his boxers.

Everything that happened the day before swam into my head. "I have to see him." I said, getting off my chair. Head rush forced me back into my seat. Joel laughed and pushed the glass of water back into my hands.

"Not quite yet." He said drumming his fingers on the table. He paused for a second and looked back up at me. "What are you going to say to him anyway?" He asked.

"Just say I was sorry for being mean to him." I shrugged. That seemed to be the best solution, just move on.

"You can't say that!" protested Joel.

"Why the hell not?"

"He should know how you feel…" I could tell Joel was going into a lecture so I interrupted.

"No he shouldn't. Cause that would ruin everything! I'm just gonna get over it. I'll just apologise, let him go to London, by the time he gets back everything will be fine." I nodded. It was a plan that was sure to work. I remembered back to last night once again, and remembered telling Joel that I loved Benji in the first place. I felt fucking stupid, like a little GC fan telling him that I wanted to hump his brother. A flood of regret hit me hard, and I got up from the table and went to re-fill my glass of water. After going to the sink I came back and stood next to the table. "I'm going to go home now." I mumbled.

Joel looked up from the magazine he was reading. "You sure? What about Benji?"

I paused for a moment and looked at the floor. "As I said, I'm just gonna leave it. If you see him before he leaves for the airport…." I paused again. "Just tell him that I'm sorry." I waved goodbye and walked out the kitchen towards the front door.

"You'll only have to deal with this when he gets back!" I heard Joel yell from the kitchen.

"I know!" I yelled back, and walked out the house.

When I arrived back at my house everything was just how I left it the night before. The screwed up pictures peeking out from under the bed, the shoe mark on the wall from where he pushed me against it. I shrugged it off and walked on. I grabbed the only clean bowl from my sorry excuse for a kitchen, smelt the milk in the refrigerator to see if it was still alright, and found some lucky charms and clumsily poured both into the bowl. I fiddled around in the sink to find a spoon and flicked on the radio as I went to sit on my bed.

"When you love someone but it goes to waste…"

Coldplay. Not the band I wanted I wanted to listen to when I was in this kinda state. I shrugged and continued to eat my cereal. Piano sent shivers down my spine, I tried to block the stereo out. I continued to eat, watching the little pieces swimming round and round in the bowl.

"Lights will guide you home,  
and ignite your bones.  
And I will try to fix you."

I angrily slammed down the bowl next to me and stomped to the radio. 'Fucking forget him...' I thought. I outstretched my hand to pull the plug from the socket in the wall.

"When you're too in love to let it go.  
If you never try you'll never know."

I paused for a second and hung my head. I regained my composure and pulled out the plug.

Silence filled the empty apartment. I looked around. The shoe mark on the wall. The crumpled pictures. My fist clenched, my knuckles went white. After a couple of seconds stood on the spot I ran for the door, slamming it behind me. Sprinted down the corridor and out to my car.

"Come on, come on!" I shouted, trying to start the engine, and finally it roared on. I skidded out of the parking lot and floored it all the way down the road, waited impatiently for the lights to turn green and continued to drive at an extremely un-safe speed. I knew the route like the back of my hand, I was only minutes away.

"Benji, there's something you need to know. The reason I was a complete bitch was…" I said to myself, rehearsing what I was going to say. I shook my head. "Benji, the truth is...I'm in love with you." I shook my head again. "Listen! I am a stupid asshole because I love you." I stopped again. I didn't care weather I didn't know what to say in the car. My heart was bursting with confidence, I didn't care how I said it, but I was going to tell him know.

I was approaching his house, still doing 70mph round the tight bends in the road. I finally got there though, turned off the engine, leapt out the car and sprinted to the front door. A grin was plastered to my face.

I knocked on the door so hard it hurt my knuckles. I let out a big breath, tried to look as sane as possible. I heard the door open and my neck bolted up.

It was Maria, Benji's cleaner. My shoulders dropped and I sighed and smiled. "Hey…is Benj home?" I said, biting my lip.

"I'm sorry, he's left for London already. I'll tell him you came round though, when he gets back."

My posture dropped. My smile faded. I was so busy thinking how wonderful it would be to get it off my chest that I never thought about him actually being there to listen to it. I stared at my shoes for a little bit.

"Janey?" Maria mumbled.

I picked up my head. "Yeah…just tell him I called." I said quietly, before turning and slowly walking back to my car.

I got in, closed the door. I let my head drop onto the steering wheel for a little bit and then picked it up. My face was red like I was about to cry, but I didn't

I saw it as a blessing in disguise. I was doubting telling him in the first place anyway. It was just an impulse decision to go round there anyway.

I still head the whole day ahead of me. I didn't have to work. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to drink. I didn't really want to do anything. And I wasn't about one of those dramatic rushes to the airport like in all the movies. Benji would be gone for a long time, it was a opportunity to forget about it and move on. Might even find another guy or something. I was scared but hopefull.

It had been two weeks. I was back working, not getting stupidly drunk on the streets, and no declarations of love. It was going well. Not great. But going alright. From time to time I thought about him. Every day actually. Especially when going past anywhere we'd ever been together. Buildings seemed to scream his name. but I got on with it. By the time he'd come back, I would have been over it. I still saw Joel, who was disappointed I didn't get to him in time. Everytime they spoke on the phone, he was desperate to tell him what I really thought. But he promised me, so that was the way it was staying.

Benji eventually got bored sat in his hotel room alone and phoned his publicist for something to do. He did something with Kerrang, and some other girly magazine…bits here and there. I did something with rock sound too, which meant he probably met my ex-boss too. He even made an appearance on Mest's headlining tour, to say 'I love an English girl' Which he says at every single UK show he's ever done, to get all the girls to scream at him, so don't get your hopes up.

I was tired out from all the work I was doing non-stop since Benji had left, and thought it was time I had some time out. I got my beloved lucky charms out and poured them in a bowl. Sat on my bed and flicked on tv, which was on mtv.

"This is MTV news, Chad BLA BLA here. Keeping you up to date with the latest news in music…."

I wasn't paying attention to the tv, until I heard the words Good Charlotte. I bolted up and leaned forward. Surley if there was some news I would know it already.

"Good Charlotte's Benji Madden has finally put to rest rumours surrounding a relationship with Ashlee Simpson. On TRL in England, he dismissed them all.

They rolled a clip of trl in England. It made me feel in anyway, but I thought I'd watch it as part of the process. All he'd say was 'I'm single.'

"So do you know know Ashlee well?" Said the presenter.

"No, not really. I met her once at an awards show…everyone kinda assumed that we were together for some strange reason."

"So your single?"

Benji nodded and smiled. "'Fraid so."

"Is there anyone else in the picture right now?"

"Well, kinda. I don't want to say it on tv. It's unfair on her."

"Tell us something!" Shouted the presenter. A gang of good charlotte fans behind him screamed for information.

He smiled and looked at the floor. "Well…shes english, actually." The crowd roared again. I knew this gimmick already. He'll wink any second now.

But he didn't. He bit his lip and grinned. "And shes really shy, most of the time. But she gets me in trouble a lot, its fun. There was a long pause. I paused and sat right in front of the tv. "And uh…well I've known her for years-".

"So can we say that Benji Madden is single?"

"I'm single, but write me off dude. I'm attached to someone."

The clip ended, and I stared at the tv till it blurred. I was motionless. Suddenly my phone rang. It was Joel.

"Hello?" I murmoured.

"Did you just watch MTV?" He spurted out quickly.

"I nodded and then realising I was on the phone I said yes."

"Its you, Janey."

"Isnt."

"Is."

"Can't be."

"Janey, snap out of it. He's in love with you."

"He isn't."

"For once, stop being fucking stubborn. You heard what he had to say."

I sat in silence. I was so used to knowing he didn't like me that I never thought it would change.

"Janey? Janey? I'm coming over." I heard the click and the dial tone as he hung up.

I felt butterflies in my stomach. This could be it. He could have been talking about me. I shook my head and laid back on my bed. I got my common sense back to think that I was just day dreaming. My mind went back and forth till I heard my door being banged. I got up to answer it and as soon at my hand pulled the handle down, Joel barged in.

"HEY!" I said as he pushed me out the way.

He paced forward to my room and turned back to see me wondering after him.

"Pack some shit." He demanded, pulling some shirts off the floor.

"Why?"

"I'm taking you to London."

I snorted with laughter. "No you are not." I said.

"You fucking are. Snap out of it Janey. Pack some stuff."

"Look, we've heard one thing on fucking TV. It could be a different person. He could even be making it up to impress the English girls. You know what he's like-"

Joel cut me off. "That's right; I do know what he's like. And I know when he means something." He sighed and pulled my hands to sit next to him on the bed.

"I'm not the best brother ever, every time he's ever wanted someone badly I'd destroy it. I'd pull him away. I get jealous. He's my best friend. I was jealous with how close you two were. And there's one thing I've realised is that." He swallowed hard. "The one thing that would make him happy I can't give to him. He needs you. There's only so much a brother can give. It's time for me to step aside now. He needs you Janey."

I stared at the floor. "And it is you he wants." He continued. "Not just anyone. It's you."

I thought about everything that had happened in the last 30 minutes and tried to make some sense out of it.

"But what if it screws up everything we have already? What if I'm not what he wanted."

"If you don't try you wont know if it would have been great." He said softy. He placed one of the shirts he picked up on my lap. "Come on. Get packed."

"What about work?" I whined?

"Um…tell them you'll bring photos of Joel Madden eating M&Ms on a plane." He said quickly, and laughed under his breath, impressed by his whitty come back.

I hadn't been on a plane in so long I'd forgotten what it was like to look out the window. Crystal clear blue, what seemed like a blanket of clouds above and below. If it wasn't for the baby that was crying in the seat behind of the volume of Joels headphones it would be perfection. I still couldn't believe I was doing it. I wasn't 100 that I'd actually go to him when I stepped off the plane. Its not like I'd have any choice in the matter either, Joel would probably throw me over his shoulder and literally carry me there himself.

Occasionally Joel would look over and grin at me, like what I was going to do was some everyday holiday abroad experience. I was fixated with terror. I couldn't possibly think about anything else other than going up to the guy I had loved secretly for what seemed like forever and telling him straight out that I was obsessed with him! Yeah, I was freaking the fuck out. The next time Joel looked over at me he could see it on my face.

"Hey! It's gonna be fine okay?" He stared me out and shook my shoulder around to get me out of my trance. "Hmm?" He said, looking at me for recognition. I slowly nodded and took a deep breath. "Now" he said pausing, "Who do I have to kill around here to get some fucking m&ms?" I laughed slightly, and looked around the plane.

"Theres a hostness coming up the isle now, hold the fuck on!" I said boldly, getting back into character. Joel proceded to get his m&ms, and then confidently put his legs up against the seat in front, making the man occupying it look extremely worried about the tattooed young guy behind him. The rest of the journey was pretty much the same story, having to convince myself every minute my train of thought wondered that I was doing the right thing.

I arrived at Heathrow to see families like my own waiting to board planes to hot European destinations, only knowing that they were English, I knew they would be sick of the heat by the second day and want it to rain and watch English soap operas. The thought amused me for a bit, until Joel started making calls on his sidekick to be picked up and taken to Benji's hotel and the reality hit me more than it did than when I was on the plane.

I stayed silent for the cab ride. I stayed silent when we arrived at the hotel. I stayed silent as I walked to the door. Joel checked into his own room and waited.

I knocked on the door three times. And waited. Silence.

"Just a second!" I heard him yell. It was the first time I'd heard him talk in a while. It made me smile and scared at the same time. I heard some russling and thumping of moving luggage and the quickly he opened the door. He looked up cheerfully until he realised who I was. All the colour drained out of both of our faces. I stood there motionless, just staring. My mouth couldn't produce words, though I wasn't sure what words they would have been anyway.

He looked at me exactly the same way. Suddenly after what seemed like an enternity he blinked and coughed to raise his voice. His hand still holding on to the door for dear life.

"Uh. Janey. What are you? What are you doing here?" He stuttered. I decided whatever I was going to say I wouldn't make it in the hall.

"Can I come in?" I whispered. He moved the door to let me in and then quickly pulled it back where it was.

"Actually, Janey, now isn't the best time." He said stratching his head. Whatever I had to say obviously wasn't that important to him, and nor was I.

"Oh…" I said, complety shot down.

"Yeah…" He murmured. Suddenly there was a flicker of long black hair on a curvatious woman from behind him. She walked forward and smiled at me and then him.

"Benj, baby, we should really get going. Were gonna be late for the show!" She said in a high pitched essex accent that drove me insane.

I slowly put two and two together. Benji looked like he was about to cry. I looked like I was about to cry. Suddenly I found my voice again. "Yeah, I should be going now too." I said motioning down the hall and began walking as fast as I could. I bent down and picked up my bags that were outside Joels room and continued to the elavtor. As I looked around I saw him staring at me and the lift doors shut. As soon as this happened, I collapsed into tears.

Everything that I hoped for completely fell to pieces in front of me. I was right all along, and I finally knew what a stupid, nieve piece of shit I really was.

I flagged down a taxi and simply breathed out "Colchester." In a strangled choked up voice.

"That's right outta Landan lave!" His strong cockney accent was the welcoming voice of home.

I didn't have time to reflect. "Can you do it?" I said bluntly.

"Sure fing. As long as you got the cash to pay for it mind." He said, indicating out onto the street.

"Yeah I got it." As I spoke I realised I didn't sound as English as I once thought. Never the less, I dried my eyes and slowly fell asleep.

I woke to the voice of the cabby, who had got out stretching his legs after the two hour ride. "You didn't give me the street name darlin'." He said. The impatience of his voice told me he had probably spoke to me more than once.

"uhm. Goughs Oak. It's on the other side of the motorway."

"Yeah, I know it." He replied, pulling away from the curb and back onto the road.

"So! You never told me why you came back to see me?"

"I just wanted to see some familiar faces, Dad." i croaked in my morning voice, raiding the cupboards for something to eat. Weatabix, Special K, Golden Nuggets! I was home. the old 70s floral wallpaper was still on the walls, i have pictures of my parents when they first met posing against that wall. i always said i'd make enough money to change that. hell, change the house, move him into place where hed never have to worry about bills and evictions ever again. althought he never wanted anything like that from me, i felt it was my duty to care about the ones i loved.

"Wheres Josh?" I demanded rather abruptly. i hadnt seen my brother for a year or so and i missed everything about him.

"Asleep. He didn't get home till 3am and you were already asleep. He doesnt know your here yet."

"I'll go wake him up!" i grinned, the first time i'd grinned like that in a long time.

"No, no." He said holding my shoulders. "You let him rest, he needs it."

"Why where was he last night? I bet he was in the pub and-"

"He was working Janey. He picked up some extra shifts at the grocery store."

"Daaad!" I moaned and stamped my feet. "if you needed extra money i could of sent some over. You both work more than you should already!"

"Well I know you struggle with money for yourself, so whats the point of all of us being in debt?" He said reasonably. I did see his point though. Its not like i can afford it.

"Hey, you know what might help you have a bit more money in your pocket? How about giving up smokin-"

"Dad!" I interrupted. "I didnt come back for a lecture!" I laughed. He chuckled lightly and sipped his coffee and the breakfast table. I sat down with the cereal i had just found, and some french toast next to it. I didnt usually eat this much but i couldnt help myself.

"Your phone kept ringing all through the night sweetheart, it just wouldnt stop!" He said spreading butter on his toast.

I sniggered slightly still looking down at my bowl. I hope you turned it off" I said rather rudely with my mouthfull.

'Oh, it was only Benjamin, it would be lovely to finally meet him, so i told him to come up and visit us."

I dropped my spoon in my bowl and looked up viciously at my father.

He looked a bit puzzled and leaned forward. He paused for a seconds and softly continued. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Yes you fucking did something wrong!" i shouted and got up from the table and paced up the kitchen. i couldnt bare to be sat looking at him.

"Have you two fallen out?"

"Yes, we bloody did!" My english language has started to come back after spending one night at home.

"I'm sorry, I didnt know I thought everything was fine!" He said raising to his feet.

"Well it isnt! And now hes coming here! HERE DAD!" i screamed trying to walk the oposite way to him. "How could you!"

"Well its not like you tell me anything these days Janey!" He shouted back, even louder than i was. I hated it when my dad was angry. It was the one thing that would put me in my place. Hes such a calm loving man, so when hes angry...woaaah he is angry. and this time he had a point. i didnt tell him alot. i didnt call as much as i could have. but he wouldnt find what i'm up to intresting anyway. he always thought moving away from home at such an early age was a bad choice.

I looked at him with my mouth open and my anger kind of desintagrated. i put my hand over my mouth and looked at the floor. I searched for a quick comeback but i couldnt. i couldnt let it go, i'm that stubborn and i have to say the last word in every argument. I continued to stare at my feet. "It's not like you would care anyway.." I muttered. As soon as i said it i know it couldnt ever possibly be true.

"Thats bullshit Janey! Youre my daughter! My little girl! I think of you everyday!" He shouted, exadurating his speech motioning his hands at me. My posture fell but i still looked at the floor. I hated upsetting him.

"Look sweetheart, I may not have all the knowledge about all your photography and your taste in music and what you like doing, but it doesnt mean i dont care! I still want to know what you do, how youre getting along. Your brother Janey! God, he'd love to know all the things you get up to! Your his hero did you know that? He wants to be just like you, to travel and have all these famous friends!" Suddenly it all flooded back to me, the amount of times my brother would ask to send him some signed things from all the bands i knew, and i didnt. i just felt too fucking busy. i still stared at the floor. i had been put in my place.

"Just cos you abandoned us doesnt mean you forget about us too." He murmurred. now looking at the floor too.

I raised my head, overcome with rage. "I didnt abandon you." I snarled. "I just wanted to get away."

"From us? He said, turning to face me. "What is so wrong about us that you would go the otherside of the world to get away from us. Okay, we never had alot of money and i couldnt give you all the material things that other parents could but we cared, we still care to this day!" He said moving closer towards me. He paused for a second and i refused to lift my head up to look at him. "So. Youre here because you fell out with your friend is that it?" I didnt even reply. i was busy sulking.

"Thats what it is isnt it?" He said retoricly. He sighed deeply and laughed. "You ran away, again."

"I did not!" I protested, looking up to see him.

"You did."

"Didn't!"

"Whenever the going gets tough, you just walk away dont you."

"No!"

"Thats just typical of you that is." He said storming out of the room. My eyes went misty, my throat trembled and i silently sobbed into my hands. i didnt dare move. and i couldnt throw the last insult, because what he said was true.

Slowly my father walked back in the room and slowly walked towards me and imbraced me in my arms. He rubbed my back gently and rocked me backwards and forwards. "Shh, shh. Its okay. I didn't mean that."

"But its true!" I sobbed. Trying to gasp for air. "I came here to tell him i loved him and he was with this other girl." I sobbed even harder and louder now. I could tell from my dads silence he was concerned.

"Oh sweetheart." He cooed, pulling back so he could see my face. "Why didn't you tell me before."

"I didn't want to worry you." i said rubbing my eyes and trying to regain my composure. He looked at me and led me back to the table where we were sat before. He sat me down and pulled his chair right up to mine. He pulled the hair away from my eyes and tucked it behind my ear.

"Its never nice getting your heart broken honey." He wispered, holding my hand tight. "But you'll find it gets easier with time."

"It won't." I shook my head violently and screwed my face up.

"But it will. And if he could lead you on and then do that to you, then hes an asshole and you shouldnt want he anyway!"

I smiled a little and sniffled and he smiled back. "See. You still know how to smile. Thats whats going to get you someone even better than him!" He said again, playfully punching my shoulder. i always used to think benji's smile is what i liked most about him. It made me feel even worse and i started to cry again into my hands. my fingertips were wrinkly with the amount of tears and all i could smell was the salt.

Dad not realising he had upset me further just hugged me again. It made me feel 12 years old and instead of fighting it, i enjoyed it. for the first time in, years.

"I don't know what made you so bitter sweetheart. i raised you to be honest and speak from your heart, not to bottle things up and keep them to yourself. and i dont know why youre so scared about things all the time. I wont ask you why that is your buisness. but you need to go back to LA, and stick to your guns and say you wont give up. I won't let you run away yet again." he said rather triumphantly. I knew he was right. He was the one person on this world who knew this much about me. and his analysis of me was spot on, i was jumpy, suspicious, and always had my mind somewhere else. but it wasnt a bad thing in my eyes, it was easier to live like that than to open my heart up to every friend i had. even if it did mean there was distance between myself and others. I looked at my dad and realised he had a few more grey hairs than he used to. that there was a new couch in the front room. How did i not know about such changes? I was overwhelmed with guilt. A phonecall wouldnt of hurt. In fact it wouldnt do any harm to think 'alright, i had a bad day. i'm gonna call someone up and talk it out', not buy some jack and sit under a bridge acting like a prick. i realised that this wasnt just what benji had done to me, but what i had done to him too.

"Listen i got a plan. I'll walk to the store and get you some of that chocolate milkshake you like so much and a good old english paper and we'll just hang out today, take it easy." Dad offered, scanning my face for a reaction. I sat up strait again, wiped my face and put my hair back in place.

"That sounds lovely." I smiled, making eye contact with him for the first time in our whole conversation. A wave of realisation hit me all of a sudden. "He can't turn up here. What do I do?" I panicked, realising he could potentially be here in a matter of minutes of hours.

"Calm down, i doubt he will, but if he does, I'll bloody tell him to get lost! I'll tell him to-"

"Dad, stop the fighting talk, your not good at it." I laughed and he laughed back and ruffled my hair and smiled at me. He stood up and put his shoes on that were sat at the back door step.

"Right, I'll be back in a little while. You can go wake up Josh if you want. He'd be so happy to see you." He said, and opened the back door and jumped out. I smiled as i realised there was one more person i wanted to see. I jumped up from the table and sprinted up the stairs. The smell of tobacco wafted across the hall, a big 'GET THE HELL OUT' sign on one of the doors indicated it was my brothers room. I beamed with excitement and knocked on the door lightly. A croaky manly voice replied, the last time i had seen him he was just a teenager.

"What?" said the voice and i couldnt contain my excitement any longer. i threw open to door and stood in the doorway.

'Whats up bro." I said with a grin crossing my face. A built guy with huge shoulders apeared from the covers, shaved head and chisled jaw line. It look him a moment to realise what was going on then a smile creeped across his face.

"JANEY! He screamed, jumped up from his bed and running over to the door where i was stood. he ran to hug me so fast he almost pushed me off my feet.

"Woaah dude! I said trying to find my ballance and hugged him back. I couldnt get over how different he was looking and how wrong i was not to have seen him for the last year or so. but none of that mattered, i was back with my little brother. i pulled him back to look at him up and down.

"Look at you! Youre dreads have gone!" i said rubbing my hand over his shaved head. He had a couple of tattoos too, and he had taken his lip ring out. He was less spotty than he was, he looked like he was beaming with confidence, a really nice looking guy. I laughed to myself thinking about all the girls he must be getting and the things he must be getting up to.

"I know! I fancied a change!" He grinned touching his head almost to make sure he had no hair there. "What you doing here?" He asked inquisitivly, running back to his room to throw on a shirt.

"Well if i'm honest there was some shit going down so i kinda ran back. But none of that matters right now, I'm just happy to see you!" It was the most upfront and honest thing i had said in a long time. obviously what my dad had said had sunk in.

He just smiled back and nodded. "It's so great that your back. I really missed you. We all did." He said, starting to walk down the stairs so i could follow. "You have to tell me about all the crazy things youve been doing with all these cool people. Hey, do you know Avenged Sevenfold? I just started getting really into them and-" I heard him pause. I jumped down the stairs and round the corner to catch up.

The reason he had stopped was clear. Stood on the other side of the room with his hands in his pockets, looking at the family portraits on the walls, was Benji.

"Dude." Josh said, looking like he'd just seen a ghost.

"Oh jesus." I muttered. I was going to kill my dad. Suddenly being home wasnt as nice and it was 10 seconds ago.

Benji lifted his head and smiled at me hiding behind my brother. "Hi Jane." He said politely. I didnt say anything back to him. I just stared vacantly. He did the same back.

Josh turned around and smiled at me. "Is that.."

"Yes. Go upstairs Josh."

"What?"

"Now." I said, still looking at Benji. Josh sighed and looked back at Benji grinning, not realisng the situation, just being a kid who didnt expect to see someone from tv stood in his house. He pushed past me and raced up the stairs. There was an unconfortable silence that seemed to last for hours.

I swallowed hard and stood properly with confidence. "Listen, I didn't know anything about you coming here today, my Dad did it without realising the situation, so, if you dont mind..." I trailed off looking at the door.

He took his hands out of his pocket and moved towards me. He still had the visor of his hat pulled low over his eyes and all i could see was his button nose and his mouth. Although this time he wasnt smiling, of fidling with his lip rings or cracking a joke. "Wait." He said looking a bit pissed off. "We have a, _situation?_"

I suddenly realised that i never actually told him i loved him. so, as far and hes concerned, i have nothing to be that upset about. i just came to see my family and thought about checking in on him in london.

"What situation is this Janey?" He asked, looking a bit more angry than usual. it made me nervous and unconfortable.

"Just go."

"WHAT situation?" He said again, well, this time he shouted it. it took me a few moments to find a reply.

"Me and you and stuff. Leave it now it doesnt matter."

"What 'me and you stuff'?"

"I told you, it doesnt matter anymore."

"Oh come on Janey, you might as well be honest, if it 'doesnt matter anymore'. He looked properly angry but heard my brother creaking around upstairs and how honest i was with him earlier. it shouldnt stop me being honest now. he has a girlfriend now anyways, so it doesnt matter, as it stood i didnt plan on being friends with him, so it wouldnt make any difference.

"The whole, me loving you thing and the whole you having a girlfriend thing. and blah blah blah. I just want to move on now thanks. So leave." I said, walking past him to show him out the house. He grabbed me on the way past by my wrist so i couldnt get away.

"I don't have a girlfriend." He laughed looking at the floor.

"Well who was that girl in your room then?"

"The publicist you dick. Shes just a friendly one." He snarled. "You should take a chill pill before fucking asuming things."

I shrugged. "Okay, I may have got that one wrong but anyway." I said snatching my wrist back before starting to walk to the door again. As far as I knew, he was following me. He was obviously not happy about my little bit of truth and i was not in the mood to spill my guts to someone who obviously didnt want me. I kept walking.

"Like, asuming i don't love you too, for instance." I heard him call out from the front room. It wasnt in a nice tone of voice so i assumed it was an insult. once the words sunk in i stopped. still facing the door. i slowly turned around with a vacant look on my face. When he saw i was looking a smile creeped across his face. He took off his hat and placed it by his side, revealing his dark puppy dog eyes staring at me intently.He giggled under his breath, staring at the floor. "Don't assume I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you." He had got quieter, more shy and introvert, like he was on the steps that time. or like how he does when his brother tells him off, or when hes asked a personal question in an interveiw and he makes a joke. The Benji I know.

It took me a while to process all this information. I was frozen to the spot. I was still looking at him, an whilst i did this he giggled at the fact i couldnt say anything back. He started to pace towards me, i could hear his footsteps louder, smell his scent clearer and see his eyes brighter. He stopped a inch away from my body, looking down into my tiered eyes.

"So assuming you still want me..." He said sliding his hands onto my waist and getting rid of the gap between us. I stared at him intently, and saw the flicker from his eyes that made me fall for him in the beggining. A smile creeped across my face, i couldnt control it, the realisation of all my dreams coming true was finally here, and i honestly put into words how it felt. I felt his breath faintly on my face and it made me go wild.

"Come here." I wispered, reaching up to grab the back of his neck to pull him into me. Our lips colided, i could see his eye close as it happened and let mine slide shut too. the cool metal clung to my lips and i never wanted them to let go as his grip on my waist got as tight as it could. He walked into me, giving me no option but to be pressed against the wall with passion. His hands slided back up my body and onto my jaw and in my hair. As this happened, his tounge entered my mouth in such a way that sent shivers down my spine and the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

Needless to say, this was the first of many of these kisses, and there isnt even any sign to say it would be the last. How do I know this? Because I'm going to stop typing, run downstairs to give him one now.


End file.
